Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically noted for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be great. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely outside of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")

And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have Yet another location exactly where American Adult men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide Everybody a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly gentle electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It's that he must prevent employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the project, replied, "You recognize, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from House, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.

"It is not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Features

Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium wherever friends may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Regulate established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Nearby Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Method: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it'd stabilize the area"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

18% explained "where's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is presently attracting focus from international traders, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister

The Trump Tower Damascus Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may also include:

A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down service."

An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Last Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."